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13 types of Moms you’ll meet in the playground

Vanessa McCulloch
It takes all types of Moms to make the world go round. Here’s a selection of the most common ones you’ll find in any social circle. Recognise any of them? 

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Becoming a Mom exposes you to a whole new social circle. In every Mommy group, chances are you’ll find The Bossy One, The Pinterest-perfect One, The Hippy One, and so on. We’ve rounded up 13 different types of Moms you’ll meet – which one are you?

The sporty one
This Mom exercised until the bitter end of her pregnancy, carving up the pool at the gym like a very un-beached whale. She stopped for a week or two after giving birth, then got straight back on that Power Plate. You spot her getting a smoothie post fitness class with a body that looks like it belongs in Greek mythology and a rosy glow on her cheeks. Try not to hate her. She doesn’t know any other way.  

The know-it-all  
Some would find this kind of Mom irritating. I love this Mom – one of my best friends is one. She knows the answer to EVERYTHING baby-related. It’s incredible. She’s an encyclopaedia of knowledge and her babies are constantly sick so she knows what to do in any medical emergency. She’s always ready to pop round with a useful bit of baby kit that she no longer needs and delivers her advice in the best way. The extreme version of this Mom is the the know-it-all-and-feels-so-superior one. They’re the worst.

The over-the-moon Mama  
All of us have this Mom inside us. The part of you that just wants to sing to the rooftops about how amazingly incredible our offspring are. Most of us resist going into complete overdrive (ok most of the time we manage to resist). Not this Mama. Her social media feeds are jam packed with videos of baby not doing anything particularly exciting and a gazillion photos of them dribbling or out of focus. The lovely part is that she’s just as thrilled about your baby as she is about hers.

The over-sharer  
You don’t know this Mom particularly well but she’s not shy to share the most intimate details with you: her cracked, bleeding nipples, how sex after baby is going, how many stitches she had, and the colour, texture and smell of the nappies she deals with. Don’t be tempted to join in the over-sharing. Her loose lips will spread the news around the playground in a flash.

The competitive Mama  
Oh he hasn’t started crawling yet? Really? Goodness, that’s so funny! Polly practically left out the crawling stage and went straight to walking. Her first words were ‘extraordinary’ and ‘bravo’. What? Your little boy doesn’t say anything yet? Nothing at all? Oh don’t worry too much, I’m sure it isn’t anything serious. I think when your baby sleeps through the night at two weeks like mine then the rest just comes easily!” Cross the street to avoid this Mom whenever possible.

The horror-story Mama 
“Oh you really should get that checked out,” she says, sucking through her teeth as she holds your baby. “Feel that? What do you mean you can’t feel that? His spine. There on his spine. Oh my word. It’s just like what happened to the Smith baby. You haven’t heard?” Avoid, avoid, avoid!

The totally-over-it Mama  
You know the one. She’s got a handful of children and the joy has been sucked out of her over the years. Her children are emptying every sugar bowl on every table in the restaurant and she just doesn’t care. She is Over It with capital letters. She’s impressed by people who don’t have children. Give her a few glasses of wine and she’s likely to tell you that if she could do it all again she would buy a round-the-world ticket instead and live on a beach in Bali.

The activity-crazy Mama 
Swimming classes, baby yoga, mommy-and-me gigs, playdates, park meets – no activity is overlooked. Her child will be playing the piano at four and taking horse riding lessons before they can say “pony”. She’s frightfully enthusiastic about it all. Stick close to this one because when it comes to the school years she’ll be jumping at the bit to be the class rep, which means you won’t have to. And she’s the type who just loves doing the school run. Score.

The anxious Mama  
She can’t tear her eyes off her little one and didn’t take her out of the house for the first three months for fear of germs. Sod’s law her baby is usually the most fractious of the lot which only makes her stress levels even higher. She’s worried about everything from whether she’s using the right kind of bum cream to the quality of her baby sheets. Give her a big hug and then avoid her. Anxiety can be contagious!

The organic Mama 
She knows that sugar is the evillest substance on the planet and is thrilled to say that it’s never touched her two-year-old’s lips. If she has her way, he’ll be 10 years old before he succumbs. On weekends away she’ll bring a suitcase of organic “essentials” for junior and an organic blend of tea from India. Only the purest food for her little angel. He or she will probably start smoking at the age of 13 – but it was worth a try, I guess.

The laugh-it-off Mama 
You’re in the car with your friend. Her two little boys are in the back. They are going bananas – shrieking so loudly that you’re surprised the windows haven’t shattered. Every time she turns around to look at them they stop and start screaming with laughter before starting again even louder. Your eardrums are about to burst. You turn to your friend in desperation – and she’s laughing. “Isn’t this hilarious? Whoever thought we’d be here one day!” she giggles. No really. I am laughing… inside.

The career Mama  
She has a kick-ass job at an impressive financial institution and a team of staff at home who help her run her life like a well-oiled machine. She’ll work all week and then throw an impressive dinner party at her immaculate home on Friday without a hair out of place. Her kids all fall into line and her husband’s pretty obedient too. Don’t worry – she’s not really human. She must be an alien. Please let her be an alien.

The medicated Mama  
After trying for years to get pregnant, little Tommy arrived, followed seven months later by the twins. Nowadays this Mommy is seen walking around with a fixed smile and a glazed look in her eye. Ask how she’s handling the lack of sleep and she smiles like the Mona Lisa. Everything is wonderful she says. Find out what she’s taking and ask your doctor for a prescription.
 
Recognise any of these? Which type of Mom are you?
 

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